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Gordy
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. We're all aware of movie ripoffs, aren't we? (Covers of movies paired with ripoffs are shown. They include ''[[Transformers|Transformer''s (2007)]]'' and Transmorphers, Finding Nemo and'' The Reef'', High School Musical and Sunday School Musical, and E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial and Mac and Me)'' NC (vo): Whenever a big hit comes out, there's always an underground ripoff with a similar title to make people think it's somehow connected with the original, if not believing it's the original itself. NC: For example, you got Babe, (''Babe cover appears)'' and then you got Gordy. (''Gordy cover appears. NC speaks to Gordy cover)'' Oh, you nasty ripoff of a movie, you! (gestures toward ''Babe)'' How dare you try to take the good, wholesome decency that this film created and you try to cash in on it! Oh, you're despicable, movie! DESPICABLE! DESPICABLE!... (Charlie Brown's teacher's wah-wah voice is played) What? (more wah-wahs) Gordy came out first? (single wah) Okay, switch them up. (two covers switch places. NC speaks to ''Babe cover)'' Oh, you nasty movie! NASTY, NASTY BABE! HOW DARE YOU TRY TO RIP OFF... (Makes an extremely confused face at the camera) Gordy? (The film's title is shown, before showing the film's scenes) NC (vo): Yes, this is one of those strange instances where the ripoff may have come out before the original, if that even makes sense. It's about a pig on a farm separated from his family and somehow becomes world-famous. Yeah, name one other movie that actually managed to do that... (shows ''Charlotte's Web (1973) cover)'' Okay, okay, so the formula's been done to death! But this is the movie that almost got people to not see Babe because they thought it was the same thing. NC: But, hey, apparently kids liked it, as you can see one reviewer quoted as saying, "Kids will squeal for Gordy!". (A scene from Deliverance'' is shown)'' Mountain Man: Come on, squeal! WEEE! Bobby: WEEE! Mountain Man: WEEE! Bobby: WEEE! NC: So let's not waste any time and start chewing the fat. This is Gordy. (The movie starts) NC (vo): So it starts out with an old narrator telling the story about a little pig on a farm. (The ''Babe poster is shown again, the animals shown on the poster have their mouths open as an audience is heard booing'') NC: Okay, okay! If I point out all the similarities, we're going to be here forever! Narrator (Frank Welker): Nestled in the heartland of America, there's a place called Meadowbrook Farm. NC: (as narrator) And they make Smuckers brand jelly better than anyone else in the world! Narrator: And on this farm, there lived a happy pig family. (The film shows a closeup of rooster for a long pause) NC (vo): ...Yeah, that's a rooster...YEEEEES?... (The rooster crows) NC: Okay, if even the rooster is late on the line "Cock-a-doodle-doo", then we are seriously screwed! NC (vo): Okay, so some big, bad rednecks come in to take the father, without consulting the farmer, by the way. In fact, you never even see the guy who owns this farm. And the rooster goes to inform one of the little pigs named Gordy. (The animals talk with their mouths bobbing open and closed like they're eating) Richard (Rooster): There you are! Gordy: What's going on, Richard? What's happening? Richard: Come quick, Gordy! Your dad's in danger! They're taking him away! Gordy: Danger? Daddy? NC (vo): Well, looks like someone gave gum to the farm animals and decided he wanted to make a movie about it. So after the rooster tells Gordy about his father--which is odd, considering how there's six other family members. What makes Gordy so special?--Gordy stops on by and tries to talk to him. Gordy's Father: Get out of here. They might take you with me. Gordy: Where are they taking you? Gordy's Father: Up north. Same place they took my father. NC: (as Gordy's father) They're sacrificin' me to the Oscar god of Meyer! Gordy's Father: Promise me, Gordy. Promise me you'll take care of Mom and the kids. Gordy: I promise, Daddy. (The truck begins to drive away. Gordy chases after the truck holding his father on the road) Daddy! Gordy's Father: Remember, Gordy! Take care of the family! (Gordy sobs as the truck drives away, before heading back to the farm) NC (vo): So I guess it's back home to look after the family like he said, right? Gordy: Have you seen my mother? Richard: I'm sorry, Gordy. Another truck drove up while you were gone. Took your whole family. NC (vo; laughs): What?! You mean he was in charge for two seconds and already he fucked it up? Dude, that's pretty harsh! NC: What other offscreen catastrophes do you think happened? (As the following conversation goes, we see Gordy and Richard talking with each other, and we also see scenes and Photoshopped images of what Richard describes) Richard (voiced by NC): OH, GORDY! While you were away, your father's been kidnapped! Gordy (voiced by NC): Oh, no! I'll save him! Richard: OH, GORDY! While you were saving your father, the rest of your family got kidnapped! Gordy: Okay, I guess I'll save them! Richard: OH, GORDY! While you were busy saving them, the farmer fell down the well! Gordy: Ah, geesh, all right! Richard: OH, GORDY! While you were busy saving them, the Hindenburg disaster happened! Gordy: Okay, I...I guess I can... Richard: OH, GORDY! While you were busy with the Hindenburg disaster, Osama bin Laden came back to life, turned into a Transformer, and is destroying Chicago with the Dark of the Moon! Gordy: OH, MY GOD! Richard: OH, MY GOD! Gordy: OH, MY GOD! Richard: OH, MY GOD! Gordy and Richard: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! (Cut back to the movie) NC (vo): Well, one problem at a time. Gordy is off to find where the other truck took his family. All he knows is that he has to head north. So that's where he goes. (The music from ''Indiana Jones plays as a map shows Gordy's journey, before we are first shown the first of the main human characters, a country singer named Luke and his daughter Jinnie Sue, performing a concert at a club)'' NC (vo): He comes across a bar that really puts the "square" in square dancing, where a country band plays for the crowd with the help of the lead singer's daughter. Jinnie Sue: (singing) Pullin' on a pigtail/Chewin' on a hangnail/Tuckin' in a shirttail/Your heart's on the line. NC (vo): Ah. This must be Hannah Montana's less successful cousin, Wyoming Schloming. Jinnie Sue: Pick 'em up real nice! NC (vo): Though, to be fair...nope, I'm not gonna be fair. It's annoying and it sucks. Case closed. (The song ends as the crowd cheers for the band) NC: (as an audience member) ''YEAH! ''(makes metal signal) GO, WHOLESOMENESS! NC (vo): She goes outside and finds a pig in a blanket and decides he probably doesn't have a home, so she's gonna keep him. Jinnie Sue: I'm gonna take care of you. Gordy: I'm trying to find my mama. Jinnie Sue: That's funny, I could've sworn I heard you say "mama". Gordy: People can understand animals if they take the time to listen. NC: No kidding! People can understand animals if they just take the time to list...I didn't know that! I'm learning so much today! I...I wonder if that works for other things. Like, how about a pan? You think it works for a pan? Let's find out! Hey! (puts a pan on the desk.....which is actually a pot) Here's a pan! Let's see if it says anything! (stares at the pot) Pan: FUCK YOU!!! (NC cowers) FUCK YOU!!! FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOOOOOOUUUUUUU!!!! NC (vo): So the girl, named Jinnie Sue, can sort of understand Gordy because she took the time to listen. Yeah, a whopping five seconds of silence! I'm sure nobody else has ever done that with an animal! Jinnie Sue: Now what am I going to call you? NC: Well, Breakfast comes to mind. Jinnie Sue: I know! Pinky! (A scene from ''Pinky and the Brain is shown)'' Pinky: Egad, Brain! Brilliant! NC (vo): So she calls the animal Pinky, and decides he'll be a great companion to have around because--what a shock--she has no mother. Oh, did I forget to mention this was a Disney production, you sick, parent-hating FUCKS! (Jinnie Sue's father Luke tucks Jinnie Sue in bed as she hides Gordy under the sheets) Jinnie Sue: Goodnight. Luke: Goodnight. Jinnie Sue: (under sheets) Goodnight, Pinky. NC (vo; as Luke): Child, did you say goodnight to your vagina? Don't make me force the Bible on something I find confusin'! (The film cuts to show Jinnie Sue, Gordy and Luke traveling together in their RV) NC (vo): So, because they forgot to shoot the scene where the father finds out, he suddenly knows that the daughter has a pig. But he doesn't mind. Anything that can get her to keep that constantly robotic, unnatural smile throughout this entire movie is cool with him! So they keep Gordy and decide to drop by their next gig. It turns out at this party, there's a kid named Hanky, who also only has one parent--what a small, dramatically contrived world--but luckily, his rich grandfather is there to keep him company. (Hanky talks with his grandfather, billionaire Henry Royce) Henry Royce: Why don't you ask your mother to dance? I bet she'd like that. Go on and ask her. Hanky: Okay. (Gets up) Mom! Mom! (However, the mother, Jessica, doesn't hear Hanky and goes off to dance with her new boyfriend, Gilbert Sipes. Hanky sits back down, disappointed) Henry: I'm sorry. She didn't hear you. I'm sure she would've danced with you if she had. NC (vo): Really? Not dancing with your mom bums you out? Dude, I think even Freud would be like... Sigmund Freud: (rolling his eyes and voiced by NC) Kid, get some real problems. NC (vo): So he goes to a swimming pool where Jinnie Sue comes by to keep him company. (Jinnie Sue and Gordy meet up with Hanky, who's sitting on a diving board next to a pool) Jinnie Sue: We saw the way that man treated you, taking charge of your mom. Hanky: He's her new boyfriend. NC (vo): Oh, by the way, did I mention that he CAN'T SWIM? And yet he's hanging right off of a diving board? Isn't that like a person with vertigo trying to relax on top of the Empire State Building? (A Photoshopped image of what NC just said is shown) Hanky: I better get back. (climbs back on the diving board) NC (vo): And you'll never believe where this leads! (Hanky falls off the diving board and begins thrashing in the pool) Jinnie Sue: Hanky! NC (vo): Quick! Do the idiot paddle! Jinnie Sue: Hanky! I can't swim! NC (vo; as Hanky): How do you think I feel?! Jinnie Sue: Hanky! Hanky: Help! NC (vo): So, in probably the most embarrassing way to be saved by anything anywhere, the pig gets Hanky a floating duck and pushes him to safety. Weirdest rescue ever! (A sound clip from ''The Simpsons Movie is heard as we see the scene of Gordy saving Hanky)'' Homer: (singing) Spider-Pig / Spider-Pig / Does whatever a spider-pig does. (Cut to Hanky, Jessica and Henry watching the rescue scene on TV) TV Broadcaster: With no one around to help, the pig apparently jumped into the swimming pool, pushing an inflatable pool toy, swam to the boy, and saved his life. (Hanky watches the broadcast with a blank look) NC (vo): Look at the reaction on his face! That's the words of this whole ridiculous scenario sinking in! You would have that reaction, too, if you had this story repeated back to you. TV Broadcaster: We've been told that the young Royce is going to be okay. He's expected to make a complete recovery. NC (vo): Physically, yes. Mentally, no. You are bully meat for the rest of your childhood, kid. You better start saving up for therapy bills because you ain't EVAH gonna recover from this! (Jinnie Sue, Gordy, Luke and his band come to Hanky's house to see Hanky) Jinnie Sue: Hey, there, Hanky. We came to cheer you up. NC (vo): But on the plus side, the pig becomes a hero, and the rich grandfather talks about making this sudden celebrity the mascot for his company. But Hanky's mother and fiance, who I guess are the bad guys now, actually don't want the pig and instead want her to be the mascot. Jessica: (to Gilbert Sipes, her fiance) But, Gilbert, you promised to help me. How can you even ask me to compete with a pig? NC: You know, unless you're in a Muppet movie, that line should never have any context anywhere. NC (vo): So Hanky decides to adopt the pig from Jinnie Sue, who I guess doesn't want him anymore--kinda weird--and the fiance is told to do two tests for marketing research, one with the mother, and one with the pig. (At the commercial filming, Sipes approaches a cameraman while holding a camera lens) Gilbert Sipes: Listen carefully. You take care of the pig, and I want you to use...this. Director: This is a wide angle lens. Why would you want me to shoot anybody with this? Sipes: Do as I tell you to. Move it! Director: Oh. NC: Oh, no! A wide angle lens! It's not like he can just...back off the camera to make Gordy look normal. It's a wide angle lens! A WIDE ANGLE LENS! NC (vo): But it doesn't matter. Gordy tells Hanky about the wide angle lens--yeah, he can understand him now, too--and Hanky switches the lenses around. And, because this is obviously the world's worst director, he never looks through the lens to see how it's turning out. And, because the fiance is also the world's worst producer, he never looks at the footage and just sends it off to the test audiences. Boy, trusting world, isn't it? (Sipes is shown witnessing the footage going off to the test audiences) Sipes: Goodbye, hero pig. (The scene becomes a combination of Sipes looking sinister and scenes of the footage being shipped in the background, bewildering NC) NC: What the hell was I just looking at? NC (vo): Boy, I don't even think David Lynch could figure this edit out. Why is it holding on him for so long? Why is there a heavenly glow all around him? Is it the virgin douchebag? This is the most awkward transition! It's like if I woke up one morning and said... (NC smiles evilly at the camera) NC: I'm going to eat breakfast now. (The scene becomes a combination of NC looking sinister and scenes of NC eating breakfast in the background, using the same music as the scene from the movie. The breakfast-eating NC eventually notices the NC in the foreground and, after a moment of confusion, imitates the sinister look. Cut back to the movie) NC (vo): So, something you may notice is kind of odd about this movie is that there isn't much of Gordy talking. Once in a while, he'll say something, but it's mostly just watching the human characters. I guess they thought the world of marketing research was much more fascinating to kids than a talking pig. (The film cuts to the unveiling of the research) Henry: In keeping with the spirit of friendly competition, I've invited Hanky and his little friend Gordy to hear the results. Sipes: Of course. I just hope they're not too disappointed. NC (vo): Well, way to talk to your future son-in-law*, a-hole. *''(Actually, Hanky would be Sipes' stepson.)'' Researcher: Hero Pig outsold the competition one hundred to one. Sipes: But...Jessica had to win! Henry: I'm sorry, my dear. Sipes: Let's take a look at the results. (On the room's television, the footage of the mother in the commercial is badly warped due to the wide angle lens) NC (vo): Oh, no! They must have confused a wide angle lens with a fucking fun house mirror! Seriously, nobody checked this?! Sipes: I demand a retest! Henry: Sorry, Sipes. The public has spoken. We found our new image, ladies and gentlemen. NC: (as Henry) Good job, everybody! We destroyed my daughter, but found a pig! It's a good week. NC (vo): So Gordy becomes a big hit, which, of course, upsets the fiance, as they listen to the latest rap album that Gordy starred in called "Pig Power in the House". Yes, I am dead serious. (Inside a building, Sipes is listening to the song on a record player as the researcher and two henchmen dance along to the song) Tag Team: (singing) Oink oink sooie yippie yo ki yay/Pig power in the house!/Oink oink sooie yippie yo ki yay/Pig power in the... (Sipes stops the record) NC: That was "Pig Power in the House", everybody. Keep an eye out for it in...your nightmares. Sipes: Hero Pig label puts out one CD and it goes platinum? NC: Oh, come on! 50 Cent is good, but...that was fucking "Pig Power in the House"! There's no comparison. Sipes: How do you account for it? Researcher: He gives people hope. If a pig can make it, anyone can. NC: (holds his heart) Touching words. Touching words that I'm sure are lyrics in "Pig Power in the House"! Can I hear that again? ("PPITH" plays and he dances to it) Tag Team: (singing) Oink oink sooie yippie yo ki yay/Pig power in the house! Sipes: I was right on the verge of taking over. Researcher: What do you want us to do? Sipes: ...Kidnap Gordy! (The "Evil Popcorn Eating Man" scene from ''Free Willy plays)'' NC (vo): So he sends your two classic dumb thugs to try and get Gordy, but the kid outsmarts them and gets on a bus. Of course, the thugs call the boss and pretend like they got him. Thug: Mission accomplished, Mr. Sipes. All locked up in the trunk of the limo. Researcher: What do you mean, "all"? Sipes: You haven't snatched Hanky, have you? Thug: We had to, sir. He wouldn't let go of the pig. (Sipes groans in frustration) NC (vo): Now what sense does that make? They don't have the pig or the kid, so why wouldn't he just lie and say no, that they got the pig but not the kid? You're just making your situation worse! Why would you make that up? It's like saying... NC: (into phone) Yeah, yeah, we got the pig! Oh, and by the way, I also slept with your fiance! (voice in phone angrily shouts at him as he smiles) I'm gonna look good! NC (vo): They try to track down Hanky and the pig, though, by following the bus wherever it goes. But luckily, they escape because the thugs are distracted by a cross-dressing madman with pantyhose on his head robbing a thrift store. (While chasing after Gordy and Hanky, the two thugs notice a man dressed in woman's clothes and wearing pantyhose robbing a store) NC: Now...I'm gonna repeat that...because it bears repeating. NC (vo): A cross-dressing madman with pantyhose on his head--red pantyhose, mind you--robbing a thrift store. NC: You know, I'm tired. I am so tired. Not of the bad movie, though, granted, it is horrendous, but of films like this that focus on one thing, when CLEARLY, they should be focusing on another! (The "cross-dressing madman" scene is shown again) '' NC (vo): What is this guy's backstory? Was he down on his luck? Was he a mental patient? What drove him to do this? Why is he dressed up that way? Any of these questions is far more interesting than knowing what's going to happen to this fucking talking pig! AND YET IT'S THE FUCKING TALKING PIG THAT WE'RE FOCUSING ON! NC: Shame on you, movie! ''(whispering) Shame on you! NC (vo): So, getting back to the NOT cross-dressing robber story, Hanky and Gordy come across Jinnie Sue and her dad--what a coincidence--and they decide to give them a lift, when they suddenly come across some sad, sad news. Radio Broadcaster: Henry Royce is listed in critical condition. The billionaire, who suffers from a heart condition, has taken a turn for the worse, and is not expected to live. Hanky: Grandpa... NC (vo): So, like most of the really important stuff that happens in this movie, the death happens offscreen, and makes news around the world. Broadcaster: (over video of funeral) He was laid to rest in St. Louis at a private family ceremony. NC (vo): Yeah, that must be why there's cameras covering the whole thing. (At a meeting room, Sipes and Jessica listen to Henry's will reading) Lawyer: (reading from will) Under ordinary circumstances, my beloved daughter Jessica would inherit my industrial empire. However, rather than devote her energies to corporate business, Jessica has chosen a personal career. With that in mind, Jessica will not be the next in line to inherit Royce Industries. NC (vo): So the daughter doesn't get it and the grandson is too young to own it. Who's that gonna leave? Lawyer: (reading from will) Therefore, I leave my entire fortune in the care of Gordy. NC (vo): That's right! The fucking pig gets the fortune! Well, half the fortune, anyway. I'm sure he left one fourth to his pogo stick and the other fourth to the color blue. But, hey, a will's a will! (Gordy, now the new CEO, is shown at his new desk) NC: (VO) So now, Gordy the pig is rich. You can't make this stuff up except for the fact that somebody has and extremely poorly. With Hanky as his translator--yes, HIS TRANSLATOR--Gordy uses the money to play the stock market, get the company back on top, everything except looking for his fucking family. Hell, he even does TV interviews! Louis Rukeyser: Tell us, Gordy. As the new darling of Main Street and Wall Street, what are your views on the outlook for the American economy? (Gordy squeals) NC: (as Louis Rukeyser; laughs) That's very good, Gordy! (laughs) Now if you'll excuse me, my professional career as a journalist is over. (puts his gun to his head; the scene cuts just as he fires it) NC (vo): So Gordy makes an appearance at a giant concert and brings up the fact that he's looking for his family. NC: Hey, if "Pig Power in the House" isn't playing there, I'm not interested. NC (vo): But it's all good. Even President Bill Clinton gives a call to show his support. Clinton: This is the president calling from the Oval Office. On behalf of the American people, it gives me great pleasure to unveil, in your honor, your very own postage stamp. (The new postage stamp, which has Gordy on it, is unveiled to applause from the audience) NC (vo; as Clinton): Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to do something that'll promise I never land a spot in another kids film again. Hey, Monica, have a scotch. (Cut to Gordy getting kidnapped by Sipes' henchmen) NC (vo): But it turns out Gordy gets kidnapped, as I guess security around the world's most valuable animal is pretty light, but one of the band members saves him and finds out that the fiance was behind the whole thing. (All of the good guys confront Sipes at a stage) Jessica: What are you doing? Sipes: This has nothing to do with Hanky's inheritance. Luke: You don't have to be so grabby, Mr. Sipes. Sipes: Go play your banjo, goober! NC: Hey, those...might be fighting words! Band Member: You don't have to raise your voice in front of the young 'uns! Sipes: Keep out of this, you ignorant hayseed! (Sipes shoves the band member away and punches Luke as honky-tonk music starts playing) NC: Whoo, doggy! Looks like we got a hootenanny with the piggywiggy! (The fight continues with Jessica joining in by smashing a box on Sipes' head. NC is shown swinging his arms goofily to the music. The music and fight end with Luke punching Sipes in the face, knocking him out, and Luke looks at Jessica, who smiles) NC: (claps and laughs) Very nice! Very nice! And now...Conway Twitty. (Slide to concert footage of Conway Twitty singing "You've Never Been This Far Before") Conway Twitty: (singing) I can almost hear the stillness/as it yields to the sound of your heart beating/bom bom bom... NC (vo): So because the mother is...suddenly a good guy now, she helps discover where the family is and they try to go and save them. Luckily, they're at a slaughterhouse that the family just HAPPENS to own and the father just HAPPENED to be shipped to, and the owner just HAPPENS to believe that the little kid has the authority to shut it down. I guess this HAPPENS to be the mother of good timing! So Jinnie Sue's father and Hanky's mother get together, despite the fact I think they shared a minute of screen time, Gordy gets back to his family, and they all decide to live on the farm that apparently still has no farmer, so I guess that makes it okay. NC: So that was Gordy, or as I like to call it, "Pig in the Shitty". (Footage from the film plays as NC speaks) NC (vo): To be fair, the movie doesn't seem to rip off Babe too much, no more than any other story about a farm pig who becomes famous. I swear, it should be its own genre. It's just a stupidly told story that makes no sense. The pig doesn't talk much, and when he does, it looks like he's having a heart attack, we never see him with his family, so there's no concern about finding them, and a lot of the scenes are just straight-up awkward. NC: There is pretty much nothing on this DVD worth looking at! Unless... (goes into bonus section of DVD menu) Holy shit, "PIG POWER IN THE HOUSE" MUSIC VIDEO?! No! No! That can't be serious! There cannot actually be a "Pig Power in the House" music video! ("Pig Power in the House" music video plays) Tag Team: (singing) Oink oink sooie yippie yo ki yay/Pig power in the house! NC: OH, MY GOD! NC (vo): There's actually a "Pig Power in the House" music video that people put money into! PEOPLE SPENT MONEY ON A "PIG POWER IN THE HOUSE" MUSIC VIDEO! JESUDY JES JES JESUS! (sighs) People, there is nothing more I can say that this...epic, phenomenal, absolute masterpiece can't say for me. So, screw the movie, but for God's sake, find "Pig Power" by Tag Team! NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and PIG POWER'S IN THE HOUSE!!!! (NC dances to the music video over the ending credits) Tag Team: (singing) Oink oink sooie yippie yo ki yay/Pig power in the house!/Oink oink sooie yippie yo ki yay/Pig power in the house!/Proud to be a pig, and I'm giving up love/To my momma hog while she's chilling in the mud/And when it comes to chumps, I'm doing damage/'Cause Gordy ain't going out like a ham sandmich/My name is Gordy but they call me "Sir Stout"/I make all the girlie pigs scream and shout/The mac daddy hog representing the swine/Going up with pig power 'cause the power's all mine!/Oink oink sooie yippie yo ki yay/Pig power in the house!/Oink oink sooie yippie yo ki yay/Pig power in the house!/Oink oink sooie yippie yo ki yay/Pig power in the house!/Oink oink sooie yippie yo ki yay... Channel Awesome Tagline: Sipes: Go play your banjo, goober! 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